Friday

Today is Friday, and I am so glad that the weekend is almost here. John and I have to go to his Mom's birthday party tomorrow night, but besides that the weekend looks like it will be nice and relaxing. His mom just turned 70- she does NOT look her age at all. She is such a beautiful person inside and out, and I hope her party goes well. Last night I found out some very disturbing news. A man that I used to know (his kids played with my stepdaughter) was murdered in Cypress. He was such a wonderful person, and I can't believe that his family was hurt like this. It really hits too close to home, this time of year is so hard for me because the anniversary of Steve's death in on the 18th of this month. I am going to try very hard to keep level headed and think of the future and what could be instead of what was and what I have lost. On the stitching front, I have had 2 finishes in the past few weeks. I am going to post pictures, I need to update my webshots pictures as well. Another thing I can concentrate on instead of unpleasant things that will only depress me.

Tuesday

I am not off to the best start on my diet. I have eaten 3 sugar free puddings, now I am drinking a Glucerna. I have spent the morning reading other people's blogs, looking at pictures of super happy moms with their beautiful children. I can't process the fact that at one time, that was me, and now it isn't. Being a stepmom was so hard. I wish I could just sit here and go on and on about the good times, and how happy I was then, but I cant do that and still be honest. I feel robbed. I spent 6 years of my life raising someone else's kid, being told that "you are a mom, we don't need to have a baby". God, I am so bitter. What I would give to have that time back, and to live it differently. Instead of closure, I have nagging regrets. Today I am going to call the funeral home and start the process of moving Steve. Where I am going to move him is still up in the air. Years have come and gone, and I still can't deal with this situation. He wanted to be scattered, but I just couldn't do it at the time of his death. My mom says that when someone does what he did, they give up their rights to have final wishes. I am not sure about how true that is, but it sure gives me room to do whatever I would like to with his remains. Remains. What a word that is, it gives me the chills. I read in one of my psych books that writing things out helps you heal. That is what this is, hopefully a healing process. I really really really miss being a mom. But I do not miss the meaness, the spiteful actions, hearing "she's not my real mom, I don't have to listen to her". I don't miss knowing that her "real" mom was out drinking and partying while I was at home, making school projects, taking her and her friends to school activities, all the while just being used. I was a nanny for 6 years and was fired. Kind of funny in a sick, very twisted way. John says I just need to let this go, but he has no idea how much it knaws at me. It's tough to know you were a fool. I guess all I can do now is be the best wife, friend, auntie and daughter that I can be at this point in my life. I know I have so much to be thankful for, but it is just so hard to look at the brighter side when the darker side is always calling, taunting, poking at me. I wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to the young woman who used to be my little girl. How did this happen??? I feel so empty.

My dear husband just told me to remember that this is a two dimensional picture. What a good soul he has. This is me, at the end of my rope made of twinkies, standing in my sewing room. Here's to a healthier me in time. (clink)

Time to lose some weight

Okay, it is official, I am huge. I am going to Celebrations in a very short time and I have to buy all new clothes. I guess I could rejoin Weight Watchers, but that would mean actually going to meetings. Maybe the weekly humiliation of getting on a scale will click something in my head and I will exercise more and eat less. I know my thyroid is low, the Dr. just put me on new medicine to increase my thyroid activity. I am going to ask John to take a picture of me tonight, so I will have to look at it on here and maybe that will make me want to post more pictures as I grow smaller. Do you actually grow smaller, or is it get smaller? Hmmmm. I have a huge pile of stitching stuff that I want to bring to Celebrations with me. I need to scale things down a bit, and be more reasonable. I will look into the monthly pass for Weight Watchers and see what I think then, and I will also be taking measurements.... gasp... :)

Sunday

What a nice day it was today! Warm, sunny, and lots of time with John. John joined a softball team today, so he had a game early this morning. I slept late, and then we went to Walmart and Bj;s. My toe is still a bit sore from surgery, but it feels so much better than it has for the last few days. I don't know what it is about days like this, but I feel as though I can accomplish anything and everything! Tomorrow I have to take the car to the dealer for service, and this is the week for my Xolair shots. Ouch, but they do make me feel much better in the long run. This week I will decide what I am bringing to Celebrations, and start to pack. I can't believe a whole year has gone by, and even more I can't believe that I will be away for 5 long days. It will be nice just to have time to myself, not that I don't get enough of that at home, but it seems different when you are away. I will bring some things to read, some things to stitch, and maybe some crocheting and knitting as well. I hope the nice weather keeps us, everyone seems like they are happier when the weather is nice.

It's February Already

Where has the time gone?? I am enjoying school very much, my first exam is Wednesday night. I have been keeping up for the most part, but I am still nervous! John is on 3rd shift this week, which I hate, but thankfully it is only once in a great while. I have been really good at going to Ellen each week, which makes life much smoother for me. I am so close to being done with Mom and Dad's sampler it is maddening. I keep messing up in the same place, so far 3 times. I count and I count, but I still make the mistake. Arrgh! I have had 3 finishes for the year so far, I thought I would have far more than that done by now, but I hit a stitching bump along the way. I will post pictures when I remember how to, and maybe someday I will be able to add a blinkie or two. It's funny, I see all of these blogs with all of this totally cool stuff on them, and I am at a complete loss as to how to make my bog so spiffy. Patience and research, I guess. Dad came home from Chile last night, I am so relieved that he is home safe. I can't wait to see him and hear how his trip went, he sounded very happy and relaxed on the phone. Mom is coming in from Toronto tonight, I will see her tomorrow. I never thought the day would come when my parents would be running around the world and I would be sitting here worrying about them, but that day is HERE NOW!! Auntie Rhonda has been here for 5 days now, it is so fun to have her here for a nice long visit. John is so good with her, it really warms my heart. I am a lucky person to have him, and I need to remember that the next time I get upset with him over something so small and silly. I just added a picture from our vacation to TN. This was taken from a ski lift sort of ride in Gatlinburg. When we first lifted off of the ground, I panicked so badly, but once we got going, it was actually a fun thing to do together.

Wednesday

Tonight is my first class, and I am a bit nervous. I am sure it will go fine, and I will survive. I did not go to the Samaritans meeting last night, I was feeling a bit worn down and needed to rest. Today I got my bookbag ready for tonight, which John thought was very cute. Thank God that man thinks I am cute, I don't know what I would do without him. I skipped Ellen today, and slept late. It was way too cold for me to go outside. I have to go next week though, I don't want her to think that I have given up on seeing her. In the stitching department, I am about 3/4 done with Mom and Dad's sampler. I would really like to have it ready by tomorrow so that I can give it to Monika for framing, but I am not sure if that will happen. I still have to graft the initials and dates, which I am very slow at doing. Hopefully I will have it done by the weekend though, and that will make 4 finishes for the year so far. I really think this will be a good year for a lot of things, stitching included!

Rainy Day

It is dark and rainy out today, what a good day to visit the dentist. John and I went together, which is always nice because we get to spend time together :) Now I am alone with Gizmo, looking for things to do. I could go buy my books for school, but that would mean leaving the house. I could go and join the YMCA, but that would mean leaving the house. I could stitch. That sounds much better than the first two options. :) I sold 3 things on ebay this weekend, which was a fun thing for me. I will get the hang of it over time, and it will help deplete my stash. I keep thinking about how many craft items Grandma had when she passed away. I have at least 3 times as much stuff, and I have to do something with it before too much time passes. I am no longer hanging onto patterns when I am done stitching them. The odds of restitching many of my patterns are so low that it is best to either put them on ebay and hope they sell or just gift them to someone who will enjoy them.