Tuesday

I am not off to the best start on my diet. I have eaten 3 sugar free puddings, now I am drinking a Glucerna. I have spent the morning reading other people's blogs, looking at pictures of super happy moms with their beautiful children. I can't process the fact that at one time, that was me, and now it isn't. Being a stepmom was so hard. I wish I could just sit here and go on and on about the good times, and how happy I was then, but I cant do that and still be honest. I feel robbed. I spent 6 years of my life raising someone else's kid, being told that "you are a mom, we don't need to have a baby". God, I am so bitter. What I would give to have that time back, and to live it differently. Instead of closure, I have nagging regrets. Today I am going to call the funeral home and start the process of moving Steve. Where I am going to move him is still up in the air. Years have come and gone, and I still can't deal with this situation. He wanted to be scattered, but I just couldn't do it at the time of his death. My mom says that when someone does what he did, they give up their rights to have final wishes. I am not sure about how true that is, but it sure gives me room to do whatever I would like to with his remains. Remains. What a word that is, it gives me the chills. I read in one of my psych books that writing things out helps you heal. That is what this is, hopefully a healing process. I really really really miss being a mom. But I do not miss the meaness, the spiteful actions, hearing "she's not my real mom, I don't have to listen to her". I don't miss knowing that her "real" mom was out drinking and partying while I was at home, making school projects, taking her and her friends to school activities, all the while just being used. I was a nanny for 6 years and was fired. Kind of funny in a sick, very twisted way. John says I just need to let this go, but he has no idea how much it knaws at me. It's tough to know you were a fool. I guess all I can do now is be the best wife, friend, auntie and daughter that I can be at this point in my life. I know I have so much to be thankful for, but it is just so hard to look at the brighter side when the darker side is always calling, taunting, poking at me. I wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to the young woman who used to be my little girl. How did this happen??? I feel so empty.